Monday, 10 October 2016


I started at college on the 1st of September. I'm studying TV & Film Media at Level 3.
So far I'm enjoying it a lot. One thing that's just really nice is to be around people the same age as me. 
For once I feel like I fit in, which is just really awesome.
I have had a few slip ups in regards to my anxiety (it doesn't just go away, which is a shame). I have struggled to go in some mornings, and during the day I sometimes get quite a bit of anxiety from nowhere, which can be quite difficult to cope with at times.
However, I feel incredibly confident. I wouldn't say I was a very loud person before but I'm rather loud now among friends which I hope is a good thing. I hate saying stuff like this, but sometimes I feel like a natural leader (sounds like I'm bragging which is awful, but I'm not, I swear) in regards to the work we're doing in class.

Today, it is World Mental Health Day.
Sadly, School Refusal isn't very well known. This makes it incredibly hard for children/teenagers and the parents/guardians of children and teenagers who struggle with School Refusal.
People tend to be quite skeptical, even rude about it. I hate the word 'truancy' due to this.  It is described as 'the action of staying away from school without good reason.'
I certainly wouldn't call School Refusal a good reason, but truancy is often seen as something done by troublemakers (couldn't find a better way to phrase that, sorry!).
I don't class myself as a troublemaker - I wanted to go to school desperately, but my mind was preventing me from doing so. Please understand, it is incredibly important to distinguish between school refusal and truancy.

I don't have much else to say on the topic. I just felt like I needed to update.


Friday, 20 May 2016

Moving On

It's been a while.

I've honestly dreaded updating this blog - mainly because when it came to school, I never got the outcome I wanted. In September 2015, I began home-schooling, I left my school for good.
I'm now 3 days away from my first GCSE exam. I've spent the last week watching from the 'social media' sidelines as my old classmates go through leaving school - and I feel lonely, to be quite honest. I really wish I could've left school with them and enjoyed my time there. I'm incredibly envious of everyone who managed to make it through school.  My two exams are on the 9th of June (coincidentally my 16th birthday - hooray?) and then it's all over. I'm incredibly emotional at the moment. 5 years has gone by incredibly fast - and honestly I don't feel like I'm adult enough to be going into college. 

In this time I've had struggles with my mental health, I certainly feel like I haven't thanked my parents enough. They've put up with so much shit from me. 

I don't really know how to thank them - just saying 'Thank You' doesn't seem like enough, (Mummy, if I could buy you a houseboat I would, but I'm poor - and Daddy, that car you pointed out when we were shopping a few weeks ago is far past my budget..) I love you two so much, and I'm incredibly awful at showing my sincerity. I'm certainly much better with words. Thank you so much.
Also thank you to Charlie for putting up with my shit - I've not been the nicest person these past few years but you're so awesome and do so much for me. Thank you.

I'm sad I didn't have a success story of conquering my fears - but I don't think many people will until more start paying attention and accepting school refusal as a real thing. I remember when I was still in school and getting people to sign the petition - one girl questioned it and said it would make it easier for people like me to 'skip' school. I didn't bother explaining it to her.
I also remember when I first uploaded my blog - even though I specifically stated I was not trying to attention seek with this, but make it more known - the next day when I went into school, I had quite a few people calling me an attention-seeker behind my back. Happy days.

I don't quite know where I'm trying to head with this, but I will leave it on a positive note. I recently moved house and now have a place in college. I actually went to the college the other day for a 'taster' day and it was a really friendly and relaxed environment. I'm looking forward to that.

Thank you to everyone who has read this blog. Maybe I'll update in the future, but for now, I'm going to leave this blog. 


Tuesday, 5 May 2015


This is just a small update. Lying in bed as I type this on my phone so sorry for any errors. I haven't been back to school for a while. Been taking 50mg of Sertraline for over a month. Started taking 100mg as right now I'm not feeling a massive benefit. Only thing I've noticed is feeling dodgy and having some incredibly weird dreams. I remember dreams a lot easier now as well, but there's not really any need for that right now .-. I'm also still taking the beta blockers every morning. I'd like to say something small about my last two posts - both of those were written when I was in a very bad place in a morning I didn't get into school. In a way, it shows how my mind is during the mornings. Also I'm not doing Year 10 again. 


Wednesday, 22 April 2015

So I agree to going back for another year and I'm accused of using this as an excuse to get off school now. I'm sick of this shit. I don't know why I even try going to school now if everyone thinks I'm not going in. What's the point anymore.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

I'm being told I have to do another year. I can't stay there for another year. No one understands. Everyday is a fucking struggle, I'm sick of everything, and everyone. I just want to be left alone. No one understands that, and now I have  to repeat year 10, because that's obviously going to help. I'm sick of my life.

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Hello :)

Definition from Wikipedia
  1. School refusal is the refusal to attend school due to emotional distress. School refusal differs from truancy in that children with school refusal feel anxiety or fear towards school, whereas truant children generally have no feelings of fear towards school, often feeling angry or bored with it instead.

My name's Ellie. I'm 14 years old, in Year 10 and I live in England. I have anxiety and school refusal.
I enjoyed school up to Year 6,  and then I joined Secondary School. At first it was fine, getting to know everyone, having fun with my new lessons. Then I began to get teased. It wasn't much at first, but it gradually increased, from Year 7 to Year 8. At first it didn't seem like much, but it did gradually increase, and got worse. School didn't help. When I went to teachers to tell them, they told the people off, but nothing changed. I was still bullied. Sometime in Easter 2013, I skipped school for three weeks. I felt sick, and generally didn't want to be there. It made me miserable. School didn't actually notify my parents until the end of the third week. From then on, it was going to doctors, and counselling to see what was wrong with me. School gave me an attendance report, which recorded when I was in and when I wasn't. I was in for almost the whole of the 2013 Summer term, but after the holiday, everything started going downhill.

 I found going to school harder. At first I faked illnesses (although I did already feel sick) in attempts to get out of school. I was still going to counselling but after a couple of sessions that stopped helping. I started CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) but that didn't help. I couldn't actually get to half the sessions because of anxiety. Getting to school got much harder. Usually, I wasn't going about 1 day a week, but then it became more frequent I didn't go as I found it more difficult. I would sleep through the day, or go on the computer. In Summer 2014 I started to self harm. I remember feeling alone, and just sad every day. The past 6 months have probably been the worst for me. I haven't been to school most of this term.

 I've recently started going to a psychotherapist, and I got prescribed these beta blockers about a week ago. They've definitely helped with the physical symptoms of my anxiety, but it's still there. Today, I got prescribed these anti-depressants/anti-anxiety tablets. I really don't know what helps me and what doesn't, but I'm mainly using this blog to share my experiences with school refusal. Sorry if this is written badly, didn't really know how to phrase it well, which is strange as I've been talking about this for so long!
Thanks for reading! 


PS: Sign this!

Small side note - My school are supporting me massively at the moment and being incredibly flexible. I am incredibly lucky, unlike some people who are being taken to court with School Refusal, and even being fined by the council.